Things not to do when you're hurting

Hi,

I failed today. Miserably. I was hurting badly... family member in danger and job was in danger and I was exhausted anyway. So I did what one normally do in such situations... I sent a quick "prayer if you have a minute" message to 13. And then I prayed for wisdom and took a breath and started trying to write all my bosses back. Like clock work the message came back they were praying. I finished wading  through the sludge of emails that bombard me every weekday morning to find the ones from 10pm on a Sunday night. I responded to said messages and crossed my fingers while waiting for a response that said "you still have a job to come to tomorrow."

So naturally I did the next thing one always does in said situation - I messaged friend back while waiting. And then it started spiraling down hill. At best their replies were sarcastically inappropriate; at worst they were scathingly rough. Finally, I got mad, gave up arguing, and just said I didn't need that now.

Looking back, I see a series of things I did wrong. So here they are so hopefully no one else will do the same thing:

1. Ask for prayer and then shut up. When you're wound up anyway, it's a lot easier to say things you'll regret later.

2. Don't communicate via text. It's hard to explain anything of importance over a keyboard or phone screen. It's hard to communicate a bunch of details, which often leads to serious misunderstandings. As in this morning - major life things were happening and it got communicated as simple whining.

3. Don't ever expect your friends to "fix" it. Only God can give the balm that heals all wounds. Only God can fix the unfixable, make the ugly beautiful, and provide for everything when the world falls apart.

Anonymity Isn't Meant for Forever

I love my anonymous blog.... so good for getting stuff out... my little corner to work through the hard things in life.

Only I wish some of the things I say as I work through them could help someone else... and I can't do that as long as this little corner of the blogsphere is mine.

I've been being touched over the past week that one day probably in the nearish future I'll need to make this public. When it comes time, I will want to too. I will be ready, or as ready as one can be beforehand, to face the criticism and snide remarks I know will come.

Someday it will be time to take my mask off and let someone see the scars. Someday it will be time to take breaking through the stain glass masquerade to the next level. Someday it will be time to step out from behind the curtain and meet the crowd with a smile whether they cheer or boo.

And that someday will be soon I feel. God's been touching me that if I'm going to talk, then this message needs to be out there where others can easily find it. So here goes! All out as nice and professional as I can make. If I'm going to take my mask off, mind's well do it right with a nice web layout and improved content instead of what's been the bare minimum graphics and private journal type entries. So I will be getting an official .com soon. Since I know next to nothing about web design, obviously I will need to get someone to help. That someone will mostly probably be the first to read these ramblings other than this girl, who too has walked a long road. And then the website will be made and optimized... and through this process more and more people will come to find out that this blog exists. 

So this is my plea to the world as I go public - as in public to friends and friends of friends and family will now get to see instead of the vast internet so populated with blogs that one more anonymous one really doesn't show up:

 Please don't judge too swiftly when you get your first glimpse into my life. Don't let the peek so deep inside me make you question everything I am. I promise I am still me. I seek in both my daily life and on this blog to be honest and real. The only difference is now you will get to see the two spheres meet - my outward actions and the inward heart from which they spring. You will now get to see the inward struggles that produce the transformation that results in the outward change. You think I am sweet or stupid or struggling or kind... well I still am.

Only now you get to see why. I want you to see my inward struggles and not just my outward attitude. Not because it's comfortable. Not because I like attention. God knows I'd almost rather stay in this shell forever if it was left up to me. But because if my realness and vulnerability can allow God's message of love and hope to reach one person, it will all be worth it. If you can see His hand of mercy and love through my darkest deepest struggle, it will be worth it.  It will be more than worth it. That is why I'm pushing through with this even though it's impossible.

Love to all! - Elle

Stinkin' Superficial

Why are we so stinkin' superficial? Why??? 

You know when it really hit me just how superficial we are? I have a journal file. It started when I was in school and I'd jot down thoughts as I wrote papers. It became a journal of sorts on the computer. Sometimes I look back at the file for the same day the year before. So last night I was clicking around... and I found something nice that someone had said that I had saved. They just flat out said it. It wasn't a major compliment. But they flat out said it. They didn't hide it. They didn't twist it. They didn't make me work for it. And they didn't make it so backhanded you have to stare at it for 30 seconds to figure out of it's an insult or not.

It wasn't anything major... or at least it shouldn't have been. 

That made me realize how many times I had saved things people had saved that were genuine statements. Not that many really. That's why I had felt compelled to save them when someone had said something flat out nice.

That was a very sad realization.

Why do we feel this need to hide behind stupidity? Why do we never say a thing we mean? Why?Why can we never just say "I love you"? Why is that so difficult?

We used to complain about loving difficult people. Now we've begun to foster the inability to even express love to nice people. Instead we've conditioned ourselves for one reason or another so we can barely express any care, love, or appreciation for another human being. We feel this need to stay semi permanently behind a mask and a facade of superficial, cheapness. Like being the sassiest, sarcasticist, and funniest idiot is now somehow the ideal.

Why? Because we've been hurt... somehow at some point by someone. I'm sorry. I know... and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times you were genuine only to be met by a brick wall of fakeness. I'm sorry you have a hole punctured in you from that time you loved in an innocent way and got rebuffed or worse yet punched. I'm sorry for the time you trusted and were violated completely.

I'm sorry. I've been there too.

But as of today I refuse to let the holes win. I refuse to become hard. I refuse to stop loving as freely. Be wiser with my trust, yes. Of course. I don't recommend stupidity.

But I refuse to become what they would have wanted me to become. Hard. Hidden.

I feel bad.... really bad... because most of the people I know who hide behind masks aren't bad people. They're some of the sweetest, most wonderful people I know. But they rarely ever let you see their heart. They keep it locked away. They hit you with a barrage of stupid sayings, lame/ill-timed jokes, sarcasm, borderline words, and insults every time you get anywhere too near to it. You can tell the one thing they're dying to hear is that they're awesome people. The one thing that will keep their brain from turning into a hardened pile of mush is one serious conversation. The one thing they're dying to feel is love... and yet when they finally hear the words, when they finally have the chance to interact, when they finally experience genuine unselfish love... they almost can't take it even in the smallest doses... it's like it's coming too late.

Except God never comes too late. We just sometimes do.

So in a way it's joyful - God can always reach people. But it's tragically hard when you realize maybe you never can...

So I guess I'll go back to collecting those genuine words in my file. So I can read them on days like today when I need to be reminded... reminded that maybe I should pay attention to what I say because someday someone might save, at least in memory, something I say. And I'd hate for them to only save the ill-timed joke or snarky remark. *gulp*

Freedom

Today was just another day. Last night I sat up late engrossed in a book... and partially scared to go to bed... The night before the scars had acted up again. Someone had made a stray comment referencing a situation. I guess it was actually funny but it was too sensitive a wound. So instead I'd ended up a crumpled heap clinging to my mother like a little girl. I don't know if I had ever done that since it happened... so much is kept inside. Shoved away in an attempt to forget it.

And then today... today I got the wonderful news. I'm free. Oh so blissfully, blissfully free! I didn't know how much it weighed on me - that fear of him surfacing, of something happening... that endless guilt of should I have done more or said more to prevent something from going wrong.

I'm free. 
I'm free
I'm free.
I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. 
I'm free.
I'm free
I'm free. 

Free to go where I want without worrying about bumping into him.
Free to go to bed at night with a few less nightmares.
Free to breathe because there will never be another text, email, or phone call... 
Free to know that the lies were really lies. 

But freedom at such a terrible price. oh such a terrible price! He has another girl. A girl with a face... but a face I don't know. So I can never tell her. Only pray for her. But prayer is a marvelous thing.

They say perhaps I changed him for the better. That perhaps this is really it. I hope so. For her sake. I wish  I could hope it for his... still working on that part of the heart.

Thank You, God, from Whom all blessings flow, that today I'm free. Oh God, may this freedom not be bought at too horrible a price!

It also made me realize... that in Christ we're always free. Free from sin. Free from fear. Free from doubt. Free from fakeness. Free from darkness. But sometimes we need to claim that freedom in order to feel it.

Praise God for true freedom!

Talking More

The following I found when I blew the dust off the drafts... I apparently had meant to say more but rereading it today I think it can stand on its own. Whether you're fighting the monster named porn or not, it's applicable. God often uses our battles to grow us in Him. After all, isn't that the very point of fighting? To fight the enemy and grow in Christ... ?

from the journal - circa 12.24.15

I promised to talk more. About this. About pornography.

And I haven't so far.

So this post is for you, dear fighters. And this is particularly for those who stand cheering and fighting beside the fighters. This is for the wives or the husbands, the girl friends or the boyfriends, the moms and the dads, the kids, the mentors and the friends.

Maybe I haven't written more on the subject because it hurt so bad the first time to type that word. Maybe because it's awkward and our society doesn't like talking about it. Our society as in my good, conservative, Christian world. Maybe because it's so deeply personal I couldn't hardly type it a second time. Maybe it's because it was something I wanted resolved right away.

Oh sure, I didn't think it was going to be resolved any time soon. I knew stuff took time. But I didn't understand it can take ages. I knew I was weak and it would take God giving me strength. But I didn't know just how much strength for how long He'd have to give. I knew He could make all things right but I didn't know that sometimes He first chooses to give you the peace to adapt and go on with the rest of life in the in between stage.

But He does.

Because God is way bigger than even our comprehension of how big He is.

So maybe it takes way longer than you think to conquer that monster called porn. But maybe God has a few other battles in mind for you to conquer meanwhile. Like growing in your relationship with Him.

Choices

So I logged into Facebook. The first thing that greeted me was a picture of a big beautiful ring cut in one of the exact styles I liked back in the day when I tried rings on. The connection didn't hit me right away though. I was more inclined to be reminded of one of my oldest friends who's birthday is today and who's hand and ring looks identical to the one in the picture. However, on second glance on seeing the next picture of the collage...

It's those second glances that get you.

On second glance it was revealed to belong to one of my fellow interns of last summer. One out of four of us in the whole group of 30 some girls that were of the same culture and one of the 3 of us with the same color hair. As a matter of fact, we looked very similar and acted very similar - same hair color, same tiny build, similar mannerisms. We hadn't spent a tremendous amount of time together but we had connected immediately when we did.

So there she was engaged. Good for her!

And then I saw him. It wasn't really him... but it looked like him. It was a guy in ministry (or at least I think he is) that was older that had a haircut bordering on the older side that towered over her in the pictures that had a beard. Perhaps most unforgivable was that obstinate button down shirt and khaki pants. And she looked bright and happy with her arms flung around him... just like me for ever so briefly... briefly as in like 3 weeks. I began rousing from my stupidity after that though it would take much longer to fully see everything objectively. For me... it was a response to finally being "loved" after years of wanting someone else to love me... it was a response to thinking I could make people happy and be doing the right thing for a change if I responded to the wooing of a guy in ministry. Of course all those reasons are wrong and stupid but half the time you don't know yourself well enough to know your own reasons when you're growing up. I sure didn't until I looked back later. That's part of growing up. That's why I feel confident saying I'm older now. I stop and think about stuff now and overanalyze my reasons before doing something major. I learned. You have to learn from your mistakes to grow up.

But for a second staring at her in the picture... I saw his look transferred to the other man's eyes. I cringed. I panicked. I wanted to reach out and rip her away.

And then I realized what I was doing and shook myself. I'm not much for judging people and here I was doing it. I'm also not much for sticking my nose in people's business. And here I was contemplating it.

So I shook myself and scolded me hard and moved along to the piles of coursework waiting for me. Oh yeah, wherever he is... I find it ironic that now we're split I'm doing courses through the Bible school he though so highly of. Like he wanted me to go but be sure and be engaged first to him. Like it made you something special or something. Ok, I'm being too harsh... what is my problem?

So I shake it off and go back to the jungles of blurry text thanks to a light fever. Stuff like this happens all the time when you're a survivor. In order to be a victor, you have to choose. Choose to move on. Choose to let go. Choose to stop and pray instead of wallowing.

So today in this new normal I'm choosing to turn away, to work on forgiving (again), and focus on something else - like the Spirit of God which we're studying currently.

It all comes down to a choice. What will you choose?

The Ghosts in the Closet

9.13
Best I can reckon it was bringing out that piece of furniture that brought the ghosts out.

So yesterday I had to get out a piece of furniture that hadn't been used for awhile... and although I was getting it out for some really special people that my family and I absolutely love... I guess the reason we bought it in the first place was enough to give me nightmares. We bought it right before they came for them.

But I was getting it out for a happy occasion. So minus snapping at my sibling when they came in with something... I thought it was all good. We had a great time. Around 12:30am we called it a long day and parted ways for the night. As usual that old surge of not wanting to go to bed - that subconscious fear of something be it of sleep disappearing as soon as my head touches the pillow, being alone with a thousand suppressed wonderings and being forced to toss them out or nightmares - came on. It always does. It's the weird new normal. New as in a year and a half or so. Maybe it started before that when I struggled through insomnia in high school. But the uncertainty and my inability to trust fully the way I should... well it ended up escalating into this phenomenon of not sleeping for a good long while til exhaustion hits. The new normal.

Eventually I slipped into that elusive sleep.

9.14
wee hours of the morning...
Then the dream came. The dream crisscrossed my favorite dream with my worst nightmare. It started with me getting something I always wanted, or at least beginning to get it maybe, and then really, really, really probably getting it... and then it took a wrong turn and tail-spun into the nightmare - the nightmare of so many: of receiving abuse at the hands of someone you trust. It was so impossibly bizarre and yet so disconcertingly realistic - the very trees in the neighbor's yard were correctly placed. I had dreamed of the incident re-occurring in one way or another again, but never like this. Never someone I trusted so much.

A theme in the dream was no commitment. "Zilch" as my grandma would say. Just empty half promises and raising of hopes. That's fairly normal too nowadays it seems. Action yet no commitment or empty promises with no action to follow it up. The new normal. 

The day goes on. 

7pm
Someone messages me and wants to share their current hard situation. Why? Because apparently it reminded them of my life and story. And it was like, thanks... but no thanks. Like on the one hand I'm glad I can help but another part of me wishes I never had to have gone through this jazz and be the first thing people think about. So I say a few things. But I don't really know what to say - like there's so much and yet it could be  taken so wrong. Decide to pray before giving any more advice. This is the new normal. 

10:42
Movie is paused. Check messages. Another change. I'm getting used to changes now.#thenewnormal

It's my boy that isn't mine. He wants me to know he's taking an internet break but if I need him here's how to reach him. I don't need an explanation. I get it. It's one of those moments impossible to understand by the public. On the one hand, I'm so proud. We talked about this awhile ago and so it's probably for the same reasons. One of which isn't just being tired of negative people on FB. I'm happy he's fighting. The dragon is going to die someday. Maybe it'll be soon. Through and with God, the battle may eventually be won in this lifetime. On the other hand, I'm let me know and told me how to reach him. That he actually cares enough to be around if I need him. That's the way this crazy friendship works. It can go awhile without talking - but if one of us needs something. Well, we know where to go. And it's perfectly normal. the constant normal for once... On the other hand, it's bittersweet. I'm going to miss them. I always do. But I'm used to it. I can foresee I'm going to talk about them too often and people are going to fuss about it. They don't understand that talking about a loss makes it almost seem like the person's closer in a far away sort of way.

It's a life I'd never choose on the bad days... on the good days I would. Good as in I feel good. Not necessarily the situation. But everyday I know with a clear certainty that this is the life I'm meant to live. No matter what. This is how God meant it. This is for a reason. Everything. Love and losing. Happiness and agony. Life and death. And so resting in that fact it's ok. Deep down where it really matters, it's ok. It's not always on the surface. I complain. I don't like this new normal. I don't like complications and pain. I don't like being different. But really, despite all my complaining, it's ok. Because God arranges life. He never does anything without a purpose. He knows. And that's really enough. Maybe it's so it can help someone or maybe it's to grow me more into His image. It's probably more like both.

So do I love this new normal? Not really. But would I trade this life for another? Maybe I'd like to, maybe in the moments of weakness when I wake up shaking inwardly from yet another nightmare I'd be tempted to. But would I? No, because this is the one God planned out and gave me. And no matter what you say, I won't change my mind on that. He's got this. I asked Him to. And even if I didn't, He's sovereign. So yeah.

Here's to this new normal.

You're going to hear me roar....
You held me down but I got up.
Already brushing off the dust... 
I see it all. I see it now...
Dancing through the fire
Cuz I am a champion." - "Roar"