9.13
Best I can reckon it was bringing out that piece of furniture that brought the ghosts out.
So yesterday I had to get out a piece of furniture that hadn't been used for awhile... and although I was getting it out for some really special people that my family and I absolutely love... I guess the reason we bought it in the first place was enough to give me nightmares. We bought it right before they came for them.
But I was getting it out for a happy occasion. So minus snapping at my sibling when they came in with something... I thought it was all good. We had a great time. Around 12:30am we called it a long day and parted ways for the night. As usual that old surge of not wanting to go to bed - that subconscious fear of something be it of sleep disappearing as soon as my head touches the pillow, being alone with a thousand suppressed wonderings and being forced to toss them out or nightmares - came on. It always does. It's the weird new normal. New as in a year and a half or so. Maybe it started before that when I struggled through insomnia in high school. But the uncertainty and my inability to trust fully the way I should... well it ended up escalating into this phenomenon of not sleeping for a good long while til exhaustion hits. The new normal.
Eventually I slipped into that elusive sleep.
9.14
wee hours of the morning...
Then the dream came. The dream crisscrossed my favorite dream with my worst nightmare. It started with me getting something I always wanted, or at least beginning to get it maybe, and then really, really, really probably getting it... and then it took a wrong turn and tail-spun into the nightmare - the nightmare of so many: of receiving abuse at the hands of someone you trust. It was so impossibly bizarre and yet so disconcertingly realistic - the very trees in the neighbor's yard were correctly placed. I had dreamed of the incident re-occurring in one way or another again, but never like this. Never someone I trusted so much.
A theme in the dream was no commitment. "Zilch" as my grandma would say. Just empty half promises and raising of hopes. That's fairly normal too nowadays it seems. Action yet no commitment or empty promises with no action to follow it up. The new normal.
The day goes on.
7pm
Someone messages me and wants to share their current hard situation. Why? Because apparently it reminded them of my life and story. And it was like, thanks... but no thanks. Like on the one hand I'm glad I can help but another part of me wishes I never had to have gone through this jazz and be the first thing people think about. So I say a few things. But I don't really know what to say - like there's so much and yet it could be taken so wrong. Decide to pray before giving any more advice. This is the new normal.
10:42
Movie is paused. Check messages. Another change. I'm getting used to changes now.#thenewnormal
It's my boy that isn't mine. He wants me to know he's taking an internet break but if I need him here's how to reach him. I don't need an explanation. I get it. It's one of those moments impossible to understand by the public. On the one hand, I'm so proud. We talked about this awhile ago and so it's probably for the same reasons. One of which isn't just being tired of negative people on FB. I'm happy he's fighting. The dragon is going to die someday. Maybe it'll be soon. Through and with God, the battle may eventually be won in this lifetime. On the other hand, I'm let me know and told me how to reach him. That he actually cares enough to be around if I need him. That's the way this crazy friendship works. It can go awhile without talking - but if one of us needs something. Well, we know where to go. And it's perfectly normal. the constant normal for once... On the other hand, it's bittersweet. I'm going to miss them. I always do. But I'm used to it. I can foresee I'm going to talk about them too often and people are going to fuss about it. They don't understand that talking about a loss makes it almost seem like the person's closer in a far away sort of way.
It's a life I'd never choose on the bad days... on the good days I would. Good as in I feel good. Not necessarily the situation. But everyday I know with a clear certainty that this is the life I'm meant to live. No matter what. This is how God meant it. This is for a reason. Everything. Love and losing. Happiness and agony. Life and death. And so resting in that fact it's ok. Deep down where it really matters, it's ok. It's not always on the surface. I complain. I don't like this new normal. I don't like complications and pain. I don't like being different. But really, despite all my complaining, it's ok. Because God arranges life. He never does anything without a purpose. He knows. And that's really enough. Maybe it's so it can help someone or maybe it's to grow me more into His image. It's probably more like both.
So do I love this new normal? Not really. But would I trade this life for another? Maybe I'd like to, maybe in the moments of weakness when I wake up shaking inwardly from yet another nightmare I'd be tempted to. But would I? No, because this is the one God planned out and gave me. And no matter what you say, I won't change my mind on that. He's got this. I asked Him to. And even if I didn't, He's sovereign. So yeah.
Here's to this new normal.
You're going to hear me roar....
You held me down but I got up.
Already brushing off the dust...
I see it all. I see it now...
Dancing through the fire
Cuz I am a champion." - "Roar"
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