A Road Little Traveled - A New Trail on the Journey

This journey is rarely easy, always requires faith, guts, and God. This particular meander requires love, many jolts of reminders from God, lots of faces, vulnerability, courage, and a mustard seed of faith. My part of this journey is actually really easy. It's just being willing to be faithful to a calling and be a voice, a shoulder, a prayer warrior.

So, I need to write about what I don't want to write about. I need to tackle the hard subjects. Yes, I've covered hard subjects - abuse, violation, relationships, self-confidence issues. But the whole reason I started this blog was because I was struggling with accepting the fact that an unexpected dragon had managed to creep and then rear it's ugly head into my safe, beautiful world. The dragon's name was...

Pornography

There, I actually typed the word. Typing the very word is so difficult it took me months.

Hide in the fairy tale... 
The old man dying...
Jekyll and Hyde in the fairy tale...
This is much more frightening...
See the new man and tear the veil
See the old man dying...
- "Hide in the Fairy Tale" by Theocracy

I lived in a fairy tale. It was gorgeous. I was an innocent child with big wide opened eyes. I hadn't learned that sometimes it's better to look through mere slits of eyes with tunnel vision (albeit now that I do know that, I rarely do it). I had a great family. A mom and dad that loved each other. Friends that talked about the Lord freely with me. A couple of times I was even promised a fairy tale ending.

Two kids in a fairy tale out to prove the world all wrong armed with trust, honesty, belief and love. It was blissful.

Then along came a dragon.

A dragon we couldn't flail.

I saw my hero fall. And another hero. And a couple heroines. And another hero. And another.

I got tired of sitting on the sidelines. So I went on a hunt for a balm, a remedy, a sword. Even an old rusty broad sword would do in my desperation. I wasn't even sure what a weapon capable of stabbing this monster would look like. But stumbling in the dark seemed better than sitting idle on the sidelines.

I'm done with mediocrity. I'm done with running. I'm done with being told there's nothing I can do. I'm done with the sweet but condescending idea that I'm too small, too sweet, too innocent that I've been fed, as much if not more by myself than anyone else.

So here's to a little girl without much of what resembles the usual type of sword. But she's got God and a passion and a few battered heroes. Here's to David and Goliath. Here's to impossibility. Here's to sending out a few words into the big broad unknown of the internet. Here's to the less glorious sounding trenches where the fighting actually takes place. Here's to late night searching and good days. And after the good days have turned into nights when the curtain closes and the actors crash with tears streaming down their faces. Here's to broken dreams being remade.

Someone once explained it thus - there is a vase and it's gorgeous but if you put a candle into it the light would not be very visible. However, once the vase is broken and glued back together with some cracks and holes in it the light is extremely visible. It's even beautiful in a unique way.

So here I am. "Lord, use me." I will be more faithful to face this particular growing pain in this blog along with the others. My prayer - that some sort of balm and a few answers may be stumbled on. This strand of the journey needs to be explored as much as the others. So here goes... it will be slow and painful. I may lack the courage to talk about it on here often, but I pray and I research and I stay ready for the next chapter in the journey.

Here's to finding comfort, healing, courage, faith, and answers. Here's to standing strong and never giving up. Here's to finding the beautiful in the broken. Here's to beautiful vases crashing on the pavement, being bathed with glistening tears, resurrecting into very different but vastly more impacting beautiful things.

Stain Glass Masquerade

I moaned in sheer agony. We complain a lot about pain but agony is a pain so deep it obliterates all other sensations.

"[I want to] Curse this morning sun that drags me into one more day." - Casting Crowns

12:06 am - the morning before finals

"Dear God, not this. Not now. No. NO. no..... Dear God, no!"

I was shrieking in a whisper to the Maker of the universe, the God I had relied on and turned to and run to and sobbed and yelled at. I was throwing my hands in front of my face and begging Him to make it stop.

But this is no "stain glass masquerade".

"I'm not looking back. I'm done with that. I give You all I have." - "Live with Abandon"

The true agony is that we make it a masquerade. As time went on I became aware of this more and more. As glad as I was that people I loved could come to me with their battles and problems, I was acutely aware that they needed therapy and professional help - neither of which I had. But how could they get it without being shunned and labeled and made into those people - you know the ones. They're whispered about in the name of "praying for them."

"Break down these walls.... Even if it hurts so bad that I can't stand, take it all, Father." - "Wrecking Ball"

In our society inward struggles are hidden, named weird names or just massly called "sin" be they sins or not. Sin itself is unspoken of except in terrifying chandelier-shaking hellfire sermons or fuzzy mushy messages of watered down salvation. Regardless, it's vague. And God forbid you struggle with depression, anxiety or heartache. You must be psychologically ill. So go take your antidepressant and paste your smile on. Face abuse alone lest you be chastised for "gossiping". And porn - you'll boil alive forever.

"People never crumble in a day" - "Slow Fade"

And Christianity as we know it contributes to it.

"I shy away from the specifics...cuz then you'll see my heart." "Who I Hate is Who I've Been"

Seriously, do we think failing to face the facts is going to make us better Christians? Face it, I don't care if you don't want to. To err on the side of conservatism at least 50% of men in our society are addicted to pornography. Thirty percent of pastors have watched it on the Internet in the last year. Eighty percent of Americans state they live depressed. It's not uncommon for girls as young as 15 if not younger to be given a slew of antidepressants. Note: these girls come from supposedly "normal" American homes. Divorce rates across the nation stand at 50% with Christian rates almost as high as secular. 

"So sink or swim, I'm diving in." "Dive"by Stephen Curtis Chapman

I wiped my eyes and looked back at the unflinching white computer screen. I took a deep breath before I too unflinchingly said, "Tell me everything I need to know. Make me understand."

There were several more moans before the plastic masks were successfully yanked off of the set. 

"I was sure that by now You would have stepped in and saved the day.... I hear You say, 'I'm [still] with you.'" "Praise You in the Storm"

We have to step up, people. God works though His children. He wants to work through us, use us for His purpose and glory. He can't use "happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples" ("Stain Glass Masquerade"). It puts our infinite Christ in a box. The challenge? Go rip off your paper mâché exterior. Get off that stage. Now. Go and listen. Don't judge your brethren. Go out there and be real. Don't slap your brother or sister when their mask cracks. Your own is barely holding together. 

I knew next to nothing that night. Within an hour I knew a lot more. Yes, it hurt. I wanted to stop the pain. My pain - but mostly theirs and every other suffering person's. 

That's what you'll find if you rip off your mask and open your heart. You'll find the sin more reviling only because of its ability to wound so deeply. Apathy is lost. Satan becomes very real and you long to see him defeated for the final time.

"If our God is for us then what can stand against us?" "Our God" by Chris Tomlin 

You'll have to cling to that because sometimes sin will look devastating. You'll see hopelessness when the mask comes off. You'll have to find hope, faith, love. Or rather you'll have to pray for it. Ask Him for it.

Problems aren't something to shrug off and assume someone else will take care of them. As the body of Christ even the least of these should be the concern of all. So don't just shove praying, listening, fighting on the pastor, elder, counselor. 

"Would you give me the time to show me... there's a God Who's more than all I've ever wanted. Cuz I need a little hope. I need to know I'm not forgotten.you might save my life." "Save My Life" - Sidewalk Prophets 

I'm tired of apathy. I'm tired of not facing reality. I'm tired of fakeness. Christ is the Spirit of reality. So let's take our responsibility of being made in His image and if He cares, let us care.

We may moan. We may throw our hands in front of our faces. We may yell stop. But ultimately, I want to be there. I don't want to shun any of my brethren for being more than plastic. 

"I confess that I've  been blind....  Open up this heart of mine.... Let this world take me where You want me to go. Show me how to love." - Sidewalk Prophets 

Goodbye Plasticism. Hello Christianity.