So I logged into Facebook. The first thing that greeted me was a picture of a big beautiful ring cut in one of the exact styles I liked back in the day when I tried rings on. The connection didn't hit me right away though. I was more inclined to be reminded of one of my oldest friends who's birthday is today and who's hand and ring looks identical to the one in the picture. However, on second glance on seeing the next picture of the collage...
It's those second glances that get you.
On second glance it was revealed to belong to one of my fellow interns of last summer. One out of four of us in the whole group of 30 some girls that were of the same culture and one of the 3 of us with the same color hair. As a matter of fact, we looked very similar and acted very similar - same hair color, same tiny build, similar mannerisms. We hadn't spent a tremendous amount of time together but we had connected immediately when we did.
So there she was engaged. Good for her!
And then I saw him. It wasn't really him... but it looked like him. It was a guy in ministry (or at least I think he is) that was older that had a haircut bordering on the older side that towered over her in the pictures that had a beard. Perhaps most unforgivable was that obstinate button down shirt and khaki pants. And she looked bright and happy with her arms flung around him... just like me for ever so briefly... briefly as in like 3 weeks. I began rousing from my stupidity after that though it would take much longer to fully see everything objectively. For me... it was a response to finally being "loved" after years of wanting someone else to love me... it was a response to thinking I could make people happy and be doing the right thing for a change if I responded to the wooing of a guy in ministry. Of course all those reasons are wrong and stupid but half the time you don't know yourself well enough to know your own reasons when you're growing up. I sure didn't until I looked back later. That's part of growing up. That's why I feel confident saying I'm older now. I stop and think about stuff now and overanalyze my reasons before doing something major. I learned. You have to learn from your mistakes to grow up.
But for a second staring at her in the picture... I saw his look transferred to the other man's eyes. I cringed. I panicked. I wanted to reach out and rip her away.
And then I realized what I was doing and shook myself. I'm not much for judging people and here I was doing it. I'm also not much for sticking my nose in people's business. And here I was contemplating it.
So I shook myself and scolded me hard and moved along to the piles of coursework waiting for me. Oh yeah, wherever he is... I find it ironic that now we're split I'm doing courses through the Bible school he though so highly of. Like he wanted me to go but be sure and be engaged first to him. Like it made you something special or something. Ok, I'm being too harsh... what is my problem?
So I shake it off and go back to the jungles of blurry text thanks to a light fever. Stuff like this happens all the time when you're a survivor. In order to be a victor, you have to choose. Choose to move on. Choose to let go. Choose to stop and pray instead of wallowing.
So today in this new normal I'm choosing to turn away, to work on forgiving (again), and focus on something else - like the Spirit of God which we're studying currently.
It all comes down to a choice. What will you choose?
Monday, October 26, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
The Ghosts in the Closet
9.13
Best I can reckon it was bringing out that piece of furniture that brought the ghosts out.
So yesterday I had to get out a piece of furniture that hadn't been used for awhile... and although I was getting it out for some really special people that my family and I absolutely love... I guess the reason we bought it in the first place was enough to give me nightmares. We bought it right before they came for them.
But I was getting it out for a happy occasion. So minus snapping at my sibling when they came in with something... I thought it was all good. We had a great time. Around 12:30am we called it a long day and parted ways for the night. As usual that old surge of not wanting to go to bed - that subconscious fear of something be it of sleep disappearing as soon as my head touches the pillow, being alone with a thousand suppressed wonderings and being forced to toss them out or nightmares - came on. It always does. It's the weird new normal. New as in a year and a half or so. Maybe it started before that when I struggled through insomnia in high school. But the uncertainty and my inability to trust fully the way I should... well it ended up escalating into this phenomenon of not sleeping for a good long while til exhaustion hits. The new normal.
Eventually I slipped into that elusive sleep.
9.14
wee hours of the morning...
Then the dream came. The dream crisscrossed my favorite dream with my worst nightmare. It started with me getting something I always wanted, or at least beginning to get it maybe, and then really, really, really probably getting it... and then it took a wrong turn and tail-spun into the nightmare - the nightmare of so many: of receiving abuse at the hands of someone you trust. It was so impossibly bizarre and yet so disconcertingly realistic - the very trees in the neighbor's yard were correctly placed. I had dreamed of the incident re-occurring in one way or another again, but never like this. Never someone I trusted so much.
A theme in the dream was no commitment. "Zilch" as my grandma would say. Just empty half promises and raising of hopes. That's fairly normal too nowadays it seems. Action yet no commitment or empty promises with no action to follow it up. The new normal.
The day goes on.
7pm
Someone messages me and wants to share their current hard situation. Why? Because apparently it reminded them of my life and story. And it was like, thanks... but no thanks. Like on the one hand I'm glad I can help but another part of me wishes I never had to have gone through this jazz and be the first thing people think about. So I say a few things. But I don't really know what to say - like there's so much and yet it could be taken so wrong. Decide to pray before giving any more advice. This is the new normal.
10:42
Movie is paused. Check messages. Another change. I'm getting used to changes now.#thenewnormal
It's my boy that isn't mine. He wants me to know he's taking an internet break but if I need him here's how to reach him. I don't need an explanation. I get it. It's one of those moments impossible to understand by the public. On the one hand, I'm so proud. We talked about this awhile ago and so it's probably for the same reasons. One of which isn't just being tired of negative people on FB. I'm happy he's fighting. The dragon is going to die someday. Maybe it'll be soon. Through and with God, the battle may eventually be won in this lifetime. On the other hand, I'm let me know and told me how to reach him. That he actually cares enough to be around if I need him. That's the way this crazy friendship works. It can go awhile without talking - but if one of us needs something. Well, we know where to go. And it's perfectly normal. the constant normal for once... On the other hand, it's bittersweet. I'm going to miss them. I always do. But I'm used to it. I can foresee I'm going to talk about them too often and people are going to fuss about it. They don't understand that talking about a loss makes it almost seem like the person's closer in a far away sort of way.
It's a life I'd never choose on the bad days... on the good days I would. Good as in I feel good. Not necessarily the situation. But everyday I know with a clear certainty that this is the life I'm meant to live. No matter what. This is how God meant it. This is for a reason. Everything. Love and losing. Happiness and agony. Life and death. And so resting in that fact it's ok. Deep down where it really matters, it's ok. It's not always on the surface. I complain. I don't like this new normal. I don't like complications and pain. I don't like being different. But really, despite all my complaining, it's ok. Because God arranges life. He never does anything without a purpose. He knows. And that's really enough. Maybe it's so it can help someone or maybe it's to grow me more into His image. It's probably more like both.
So do I love this new normal? Not really. But would I trade this life for another? Maybe I'd like to, maybe in the moments of weakness when I wake up shaking inwardly from yet another nightmare I'd be tempted to. But would I? No, because this is the one God planned out and gave me. And no matter what you say, I won't change my mind on that. He's got this. I asked Him to. And even if I didn't, He's sovereign. So yeah.
Here's to this new normal.
You're going to hear me roar....
You held me down but I got up.
Already brushing off the dust...
I see it all. I see it now...
Dancing through the fire
Cuz I am a champion." - "Roar"
Best I can reckon it was bringing out that piece of furniture that brought the ghosts out.
So yesterday I had to get out a piece of furniture that hadn't been used for awhile... and although I was getting it out for some really special people that my family and I absolutely love... I guess the reason we bought it in the first place was enough to give me nightmares. We bought it right before they came for them.
But I was getting it out for a happy occasion. So minus snapping at my sibling when they came in with something... I thought it was all good. We had a great time. Around 12:30am we called it a long day and parted ways for the night. As usual that old surge of not wanting to go to bed - that subconscious fear of something be it of sleep disappearing as soon as my head touches the pillow, being alone with a thousand suppressed wonderings and being forced to toss them out or nightmares - came on. It always does. It's the weird new normal. New as in a year and a half or so. Maybe it started before that when I struggled through insomnia in high school. But the uncertainty and my inability to trust fully the way I should... well it ended up escalating into this phenomenon of not sleeping for a good long while til exhaustion hits. The new normal.
Eventually I slipped into that elusive sleep.
9.14
wee hours of the morning...
Then the dream came. The dream crisscrossed my favorite dream with my worst nightmare. It started with me getting something I always wanted, or at least beginning to get it maybe, and then really, really, really probably getting it... and then it took a wrong turn and tail-spun into the nightmare - the nightmare of so many: of receiving abuse at the hands of someone you trust. It was so impossibly bizarre and yet so disconcertingly realistic - the very trees in the neighbor's yard were correctly placed. I had dreamed of the incident re-occurring in one way or another again, but never like this. Never someone I trusted so much.
A theme in the dream was no commitment. "Zilch" as my grandma would say. Just empty half promises and raising of hopes. That's fairly normal too nowadays it seems. Action yet no commitment or empty promises with no action to follow it up. The new normal.
The day goes on.
7pm
Someone messages me and wants to share their current hard situation. Why? Because apparently it reminded them of my life and story. And it was like, thanks... but no thanks. Like on the one hand I'm glad I can help but another part of me wishes I never had to have gone through this jazz and be the first thing people think about. So I say a few things. But I don't really know what to say - like there's so much and yet it could be taken so wrong. Decide to pray before giving any more advice. This is the new normal.
10:42
Movie is paused. Check messages. Another change. I'm getting used to changes now.#thenewnormal
It's my boy that isn't mine. He wants me to know he's taking an internet break but if I need him here's how to reach him. I don't need an explanation. I get it. It's one of those moments impossible to understand by the public. On the one hand, I'm so proud. We talked about this awhile ago and so it's probably for the same reasons. One of which isn't just being tired of negative people on FB. I'm happy he's fighting. The dragon is going to die someday. Maybe it'll be soon. Through and with God, the battle may eventually be won in this lifetime. On the other hand, I'm let me know and told me how to reach him. That he actually cares enough to be around if I need him. That's the way this crazy friendship works. It can go awhile without talking - but if one of us needs something. Well, we know where to go. And it's perfectly normal. the constant normal for once... On the other hand, it's bittersweet. I'm going to miss them. I always do. But I'm used to it. I can foresee I'm going to talk about them too often and people are going to fuss about it. They don't understand that talking about a loss makes it almost seem like the person's closer in a far away sort of way.
It's a life I'd never choose on the bad days... on the good days I would. Good as in I feel good. Not necessarily the situation. But everyday I know with a clear certainty that this is the life I'm meant to live. No matter what. This is how God meant it. This is for a reason. Everything. Love and losing. Happiness and agony. Life and death. And so resting in that fact it's ok. Deep down where it really matters, it's ok. It's not always on the surface. I complain. I don't like this new normal. I don't like complications and pain. I don't like being different. But really, despite all my complaining, it's ok. Because God arranges life. He never does anything without a purpose. He knows. And that's really enough. Maybe it's so it can help someone or maybe it's to grow me more into His image. It's probably more like both.
So do I love this new normal? Not really. But would I trade this life for another? Maybe I'd like to, maybe in the moments of weakness when I wake up shaking inwardly from yet another nightmare I'd be tempted to. But would I? No, because this is the one God planned out and gave me. And no matter what you say, I won't change my mind on that. He's got this. I asked Him to. And even if I didn't, He's sovereign. So yeah.
Here's to this new normal.
You're going to hear me roar....
You held me down but I got up.
Already brushing off the dust...
I see it all. I see it now...
Dancing through the fire
Cuz I am a champion." - "Roar"
Friday, October 9, 2015
Today - Looking back.... and forward
Today is a day special to 13. I don't normally post things like this on this blog... but I think this justifies a deviation from the usual subject musings. If it wasn't for 13, this blog may have never been born. Maybe I would have just stayed sheltered in my little world. Maybe I would have never seen pain, agony, and the dirt of the world right under my nose. And if I never saw it... then I would have never had the blessing of realizing my own brokenness, forced to turn to God, and experienced the unspeakable joy of watching Him work.
I would have never experienced the full joy of rolling up my sleeves and being allowed the honor of volunteering in the ditches. I would have never known the passion which now possesses me. I would have never perhaps found the need - that need that when you see it forces you off the couch and away from the tv and throw down your chips and say, "No more! I have to do something!"
And perhaps if there was never 13, then the motivation to keep going, to keep learning and trying and growing and trying to make a difference wouldn't be there. Definitely never in the face of opposition or well-meant people expressing their doubts.
But whenever I want to quit - I see a pair of blue eyes floating through the mist of years and pain and skeletons coming after us. I hear words encouraging me to process things and think through hard topics and move pass this, and not just move on... but make something positive out of it.
And most of all... I never would have understood that love means doing/being what the other person needs or wants - not what I need or want.
13, I can never say the things I want to to you to your face... at least not now. Maybe someday... And why is another post for another day.
But thank You, God, for giving me such an inspiration, for giving me someone to stretch and grow me way more than I ever could on my own. Thank You. I'm out of words... so I'll just end with a simple but heartfelt...
Thank You.
I would have never experienced the full joy of rolling up my sleeves and being allowed the honor of volunteering in the ditches. I would have never known the passion which now possesses me. I would have never perhaps found the need - that need that when you see it forces you off the couch and away from the tv and throw down your chips and say, "No more! I have to do something!"
And perhaps if there was never 13, then the motivation to keep going, to keep learning and trying and growing and trying to make a difference wouldn't be there. Definitely never in the face of opposition or well-meant people expressing their doubts.
But whenever I want to quit - I see a pair of blue eyes floating through the mist of years and pain and skeletons coming after us. I hear words encouraging me to process things and think through hard topics and move pass this, and not just move on... but make something positive out of it.
And most of all... I never would have understood that love means doing/being what the other person needs or wants - not what I need or want.
13, I can never say the things I want to to you to your face... at least not now. Maybe someday... And why is another post for another day.
But thank You, God, for giving me such an inspiration, for giving me someone to stretch and grow me way more than I ever could on my own. Thank You. I'm out of words... so I'll just end with a simple but heartfelt...
Thank You.
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