Why I'm Dry

No, I'm not a true typical overly zealous Bible belt type... nor a prude... nor a goody two shoes. I have my share of pitfalls and bad ideas and mess ups.

Being dry and being perfect are two different, very different things.

I'm dry not because I'm good.
I'm dry because of the kids.

I'm not what you'd call "good with kids." In other words, I'm no good at scooping up random kids, showering them with kisses, and make them giggle "their heads off." But one on one in an informal (aka no one's watching) environment we can get on well. I have several kids I dearly love and they return it. With the ones I connect with, it's like they view me as another kid but respect me all at the same time. So I get to see the G.I. Joes and dogs and first knives and high heel shoes and earrings and tobacco and boyfriends and... yeah...they show me things and play games like I'm a kid on their level and yet my stamp of approval or disapproval means a bit more than a peer...maybe even just on a subconscious level I love every minute of it. So shhh... don't tell them how old I am. ;)

I used to say I had to abstain from alcohol because it'd kill me. It probably still would just cuz I'm wired unusual like that. But scientifically I can't prove it anymore unless I drank and killed over, which isn't entirely improbable. That's beside the point though. In the latest GF (gluten free) news world, it's now proven that not only wine but hard liquor is "safe" for celiacs. Yeah, you can just go ahead and drink the hard liquor without me. I'd never feel safe swallowing anything that originally came from gluten no matter how "fermented" and "dissipated" the gluten particles may have been proven to be. But since the jury's in on it, I can't use health as a reason anymore.

But that's not why I'm dry. I'm not saint and peer pressure would get to me eventually probably. Maybe not.... but maybe so. Maybe at a party with close friends I respect and love a lot. Maybe if I especially wanted to become one of their close friends. Maybe to avoid being derogatorily called a "goody two shoes" by those few I count my best friends. Because I'm weak like that. And because when it's late and you get a bunch of people together and your mama ain't there to get her heart broke.... maybe a lot of us do a lot of things we wouldn't do otherwise. But it was never the "bunch of people" that got to me. It was when my closest friends, my family in all but blood, the type of people I'd bleed and suffer and die for... when they think something's ok, or they're doing it... that's when I have a tendency to try to rationalize and give in.

But I'd still stay dry probably. Because the motivation is huge. It's like those kids that wear purity rings and can't give in as long as it's staring up at them from their finger.

I stay dry for the kids. For all the ghosts of kids.

It was a big party and everyone was having one too many. Oh, trust me it  wasn't bad. No one was drunk, not even tipsy... yet. It was in somebody's house, at 5pm - the sun was still out, and the whole family was involved. I'm a good girl. :p It felt strange being the only "clean" one. I could tell it was making my friend feel bad. Health always makes people feel sorry for you and that's the last thing I wanted. In order not to draw attention to myself, I reached for my favorite "drink" - a vanilla creme soda, a "baby" drink. So? It tastes INCREDIBLE! Yeah, gluten free living keeps your inner kid alive; everything you find something new it's awesome.

It happened to be a very nice, certified GF, organic, vanilla cream soda. Which of course means it comes in a brown glass bottle. Ring any bells? I got it opened and closed my eyes to better savor the first sip. I try to stay off sugar and live healthy so this was a real treat. Besides, did I say I discovered vanilla cream soda less than a year before? Yeah, it was a complete and utter novelty.

When I opened my eyes, the first thing confronting me was a little boy with bright eyes. Bright Eyes and I were good friends. We play together and giggle loudly and climb in tree houses. I'll never forget the next moment.

"You drink too?" There was shock in his eyes, disappointment not concealed in his little quavery voice.

It didn't matter that his parents had it in their hands. Or that everyone besides the two of us would have some before the night was out. It mattered that I had it in my hand.

In sheer shock, I responded that no, I was drinkin'... I hope I comforted him somehow. But the dart was thrown. It pierced us both. For a moment I wasn't who he thought I was.

There's another kid too. A kid I never met. A girl that was my mom. My mom's always been against her family drinking. She doesn't judge anyone. It was just a standard set for her kids as long as we were under her roof. But she doesn't say it like another rule. It's come out a couple times that at family events people would get drunk... that there were friends... that's she's seen enough of the block to know and understand. And once, just once, it came out that one of her uncle's would get drunk and hit on her a few times. That there was something in his eyes when he'd look at her body...

I don't judge others who drink. I've had enough friends argue that the Bible speaks against drunkenness not drinking that I won't touch the subject with a ten foot pole. Who argue that they're sure they have enough self control to never go over the proper amount, whatever that is. Who argue that you can overcome a family background, gene pull and all, with the proper amount of self control. And to some extent I admire people that can actually deny genetics, deny culture, deny a proven addicting substance and succeed. A hearty round of applause to you! (No, I'm not being sarcastic at all. I hate sarcasm mixed with serious... unless you're whole serious essay is presented from the sarcastic viewpoint.)

It took me awhile to come to my decision, because quite honestly some of those arguments have been presented to me well and logically from very close friends. For myself, I choose to stay dry for the kids who seem to pop out of the woodwork.... the ones that peer over banisters and walk by innocently at just the wrong time and just happen to be standing there when so and so just happens to get drunk.

I don't drink because of the kids.
Because no six year old boy peering over the banister unnoticed should see his mom walk in a crooked line while popping risque, albeit mild, jokes. 
Because no sixteen year old girl should be hit on by a family member she loves surrounded other family members.

What I learned in my 13 hour relationship

On occasion I will post essays or musings from "the journal" - basically articles written some time before but never published. Maybe they were written before the blog began or maybe I wrote them out by hand with the intention of typing them up later but never did. In most cases the situation which fostered their composition has changed, but the points they present/lessons learned from said situations are still vital and relevant. Example: while the 13 hours mentioned in this post was long ago, the experience shaped me into who I am now and the lessons learned are extremely important for me to remember on a daily basis. My hope is that the 13 points below would be useful for others as well.

The following is from the journal circa Spring 2014

"Save the last dance, the very last dance for me." - Michael Buble

I've only been in one relationship. It lasted 13 hours. Maybe some wouldn't even count it as a relationship. He probably wouldn't, not now anyway. But when two hearts get intertwined, no matter how messily tangled, you've reached some form of impacting relationship. Two bodies can come together, two pairs of eyes can meet in flirtation. But it takes two tangled emotional systems to have a life changing, no matter how slight, relationship. And that was obtained at 7pm on the 13th. So I'll call him 13 for anonymity's sake.

I don't claim to be an expert on the business of relationships. These are just my musings/ramblings of a girl caught in a crazy world and what she learned. My deep wish is that it would benefit someone, even just one person. No lesson should just be learned and sit stagnant. It should be dynamic, constantly being built on, continually impacting.

- If love is the most beautiful thing, it's also the hardest. 
"Anything worth having is worth working for," never was more true. Love is rewarding, transforming, uplifting. It's also sheer hard work. Divine love is the highest love and it sacrificed and suffered the most. Why should human love be different? It cannot be so high nor so perfect but otherwise if it is true love it's going to mirror. Is it not pointed out in wedding ceremonies under every steeple that a couple's love is a picture of Christ and the church?

- Perfect love casts out fear
 If both of us had been in possession of a larger portion of this item 13 wouldn't be named 13. He might be named Forever, or at least two months. Although we are no longer officially anything, the majority that know of our closeness still deem it one. Why? Because our fear continues to be daily out shined by a better virtue - a virtue I'd be an idiot to call less than love. {Note: as of the time of posting this unofficial relationship did disintegrate out of fear, proving a bittersweet lesson. Note later: it has always remained the strongest of friendships and continues to grow and stretch me to this day}

Wracked with guilt at my initial fear and then his developing fear, I was mourning to a mentor figure late one night. "Does 13 know how much you love him?" she asked.

"I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want to scare him, and love seems to scare him."

"Oh sissy, if he only knew how much you care, he wouldn't be scared anymore."

It is this fearless love that made it possible for me to accept after the initial 2 minutes shock that he dealt with ____ issues in the past. Yes, that was yesterday - approximately 1 and 1/2 months since I told him his porn addiction scared me. Now? Well, you've dealt with it, I wished it had never been an issue, but meh let's move on.

Being human we aren't naturally fearless for the most part, especially in regards to our heart. But with time true love does slowly and beautifully conquer fear.

- "I'm tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game." - Idina M.
Every story's going to be different. Don't beat yourself up if yours is different from your best friend's "sweet" romance, the Conservative Christian YA Guide, or even The Handbook for Dummies. Trust God, follow His guidance, and enjoy the path He causes you to walk - even when it's painful.

- Sometimes it Doesn't End Happily Ever After...

             ... and you have to be ok with that. Go into every "relationship with a purpose" to borrow 13's term. But if after much pain, fight, and bravery God leads you apart, don't panic. Despite popular opinion, you aren't totally useless now. Maybe God had for you meeting besides a fairytale ending. (My other reason)

- It Takes Guts
Love doesn't stay big smiles, dancing and giggling. Eventually it has to get down and face issues. Are you willing to roll up our sleeves? Get muddy? It also takes guts to walk away - not angry but when your hearts are knit so close they feel like one. I did this to 13 and later 13 did it to me. It sounds ridiculous but we tried to put distance between us because we loved each other so much.

- Communicate
This should be a no-brainer. Unfortunately, it isn't. Ask the hard questions. Ask for clarification. Repeat it back and ask if you understood correctly. Trust me there are few things more akward than to ask your heartthrob if he dealt with the sexual issue you thought he just mentioned. However, if both parties are dedicated to honesty and communication, it'll just make you closer.

- Honesty
Another no-brainer just as often forgotten. Don't lie. I don't care if it is flirtation. Just don't do it. 13 and I have faced issues, lesser of which have destroyed marriages. Two kids, massive problems. How do we survive, mind's less speak to each other, mind's less act like we're in  a relationship regardless of technical terms? God. God blessed us from the get-go with a foundation of honesty. Honesty is what takes you to hell and back again. Someday it'll be to heaven.

- Forgive
No one's perfect and spending so much time with someone is going to surface their problems. Can you forgive each other, deal with the issues, and move on even stronger?

- They are not their problems. You are not your problems.
I deal with fear. However, my name is not "Fearful." My name is Ellie. 13 is not a porn addict. He is a handsome, well-rounded, awesome minister of God who happens to have a problem with pornography addiction. It's all in the way you think about an issue. Call me naive on this one but I'm sticking to my guns. It was this revolution in thinking that enabled me (thanks to God!) to survive finding out in five weeks time that three people I loved dearly, including some as close as family members, dealt with major issues. This point seriously deserves its own blog post.

- Seek wise counsel
Find successful marriages and explore what makes them strong. Talk with people who know you both well. If possible, include parents. Don't be afraid of peer wisdom but take it with a grain of salt. However, definitely don't discount it if it comes from a mature Godly source.  {Note from publication date: While peer advice is good and shouldn't be discounted, it's easy to favor it because more often than not it will agree with you. Balancing it with older mentors and parents, who often know us better than anyone, is very, very, very important!}

- Seek God
Ask God what He thinks, what He wants. Beg for His perfect will to be done. Consecrate and reconsecrate yourself the other person, and your relationship or potential one to God. Put it in His hands. When you snatch it back, ask forgiveness and put it back again. Follow the inward peace of the Spirit even when it's the opposite of personal preference.

- Honor Your Future Spouse
Even if you think they're the one, let your actions, feelings, and thoughts honor your future spouse. This is a big one and often argued with vigor. This isn't a list of rules as much as it is following the Spirit and what you both believe. Some view this as never being in a relationship with someone you won't marry. For others it's no touch. I won't state my opinion because its really something each individual under the guidance of wise counsel and much prayer have to determine for themselves.

- 13. Care
This should be a no-brainer but sadly it's often neglected. Care is not mushy love like a cartoon character with hearts swimming around their heads. Care is....
         
          ...about the other person.
When you communicate think about how the other person might best understand or feel. Don't blurt out, "You mean you do that?!" with raised eyebrows. (Yes, been there, done that. Trust me you don't want to do this. Thankfully 13 possesses a big level of mercy.) It's easy to get into the heat of the moment and let words fly out of your mouth. It's easy to form intentions and not follow through with them. Regret is one of the saddest baggage to carry around. Think about the other person. Stop yourself, consider, pray. Forgive. Love. Do things that make them smile, even briefly.

              ...about yourself.
You have to care for yourself in order to care for anyone else. Is your spiritual life being neglected? Then how can you minister to someone else? And finally, evaluate yourself. How much can you handle? Since every relationship is the coming together of two broken people, two redeemed vessels, there are going to be hard issues. The question is which can you handle? Certain problems are overwhelming to some of us while others albeit difficult are manageable and vice versa. Each person is unique. Just because some can handle a certain situation doesn't mean another can but that one can handle something else. Sometimes we have to walk away because staying drained and frazzled wouldn't do either of you any good

- from the journal circa April 2014