Stinkin' Superficial

Why are we so stinkin' superficial? Why??? 

You know when it really hit me just how superficial we are? I have a journal file. It started when I was in school and I'd jot down thoughts as I wrote papers. It became a journal of sorts on the computer. Sometimes I look back at the file for the same day the year before. So last night I was clicking around... and I found something nice that someone had said that I had saved. They just flat out said it. It wasn't a major compliment. But they flat out said it. They didn't hide it. They didn't twist it. They didn't make me work for it. And they didn't make it so backhanded you have to stare at it for 30 seconds to figure out of it's an insult or not.

It wasn't anything major... or at least it shouldn't have been. 

That made me realize how many times I had saved things people had saved that were genuine statements. Not that many really. That's why I had felt compelled to save them when someone had said something flat out nice.

That was a very sad realization.

Why do we feel this need to hide behind stupidity? Why do we never say a thing we mean? Why?Why can we never just say "I love you"? Why is that so difficult?

We used to complain about loving difficult people. Now we've begun to foster the inability to even express love to nice people. Instead we've conditioned ourselves for one reason or another so we can barely express any care, love, or appreciation for another human being. We feel this need to stay semi permanently behind a mask and a facade of superficial, cheapness. Like being the sassiest, sarcasticist, and funniest idiot is now somehow the ideal.

Why? Because we've been hurt... somehow at some point by someone. I'm sorry. I know... and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times you were genuine only to be met by a brick wall of fakeness. I'm sorry you have a hole punctured in you from that time you loved in an innocent way and got rebuffed or worse yet punched. I'm sorry for the time you trusted and were violated completely.

I'm sorry. I've been there too.

But as of today I refuse to let the holes win. I refuse to become hard. I refuse to stop loving as freely. Be wiser with my trust, yes. Of course. I don't recommend stupidity.

But I refuse to become what they would have wanted me to become. Hard. Hidden.

I feel bad.... really bad... because most of the people I know who hide behind masks aren't bad people. They're some of the sweetest, most wonderful people I know. But they rarely ever let you see their heart. They keep it locked away. They hit you with a barrage of stupid sayings, lame/ill-timed jokes, sarcasm, borderline words, and insults every time you get anywhere too near to it. You can tell the one thing they're dying to hear is that they're awesome people. The one thing that will keep their brain from turning into a hardened pile of mush is one serious conversation. The one thing they're dying to feel is love... and yet when they finally hear the words, when they finally have the chance to interact, when they finally experience genuine unselfish love... they almost can't take it even in the smallest doses... it's like it's coming too late.

Except God never comes too late. We just sometimes do.

So in a way it's joyful - God can always reach people. But it's tragically hard when you realize maybe you never can...

So I guess I'll go back to collecting those genuine words in my file. So I can read them on days like today when I need to be reminded... reminded that maybe I should pay attention to what I say because someday someone might save, at least in memory, something I say. And I'd hate for them to only save the ill-timed joke or snarky remark. *gulp*