Freedom

Today was just another day. Last night I sat up late engrossed in a book... and partially scared to go to bed... The night before the scars had acted up again. Someone had made a stray comment referencing a situation. I guess it was actually funny but it was too sensitive a wound. So instead I'd ended up a crumpled heap clinging to my mother like a little girl. I don't know if I had ever done that since it happened... so much is kept inside. Shoved away in an attempt to forget it.

And then today... today I got the wonderful news. I'm free. Oh so blissfully, blissfully free! I didn't know how much it weighed on me - that fear of him surfacing, of something happening... that endless guilt of should I have done more or said more to prevent something from going wrong.

I'm free. 
I'm free
I'm free.
I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. 
I'm free.
I'm free
I'm free. 

Free to go where I want without worrying about bumping into him.
Free to go to bed at night with a few less nightmares.
Free to breathe because there will never be another text, email, or phone call... 
Free to know that the lies were really lies. 

But freedom at such a terrible price. oh such a terrible price! He has another girl. A girl with a face... but a face I don't know. So I can never tell her. Only pray for her. But prayer is a marvelous thing.

They say perhaps I changed him for the better. That perhaps this is really it. I hope so. For her sake. I wish  I could hope it for his... still working on that part of the heart.

Thank You, God, from Whom all blessings flow, that today I'm free. Oh God, may this freedom not be bought at too horrible a price!

It also made me realize... that in Christ we're always free. Free from sin. Free from fear. Free from doubt. Free from fakeness. Free from darkness. But sometimes we need to claim that freedom in order to feel it.

Praise God for true freedom!