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The first one happened a couple nights ago. It was very brief. I dreamed someone hugged me and all my pieces popped back into place. I couldn't see their face really. It blurred out. But they seemed so happy... and I asked if this was real... if the pieces were going to stay in place this time... if this was for real. Even in the dream there was a vague flashback to the time when I'd said it... moments before it went down... as I reached over for a hug... the beginning of the start of the cyclone that sucked me down, down, down in a tornado of abuse, manipulation, and ripping scars.
But this time, this time the voice of the fuzzy faced personage said, "Yes, this is real." He didn't say it over and over and over again like the voice in the cyclone. He just said, "Yes," and laughed that happy, happy laughter.
It was brief. Very brief. But it enough
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The second one came the next day. It was precisely what I wanted. Everything. It was the person I wanted, the embrace I wanted, the kiss to be rid of that other kiss, the words I wanted to hear - tons of them rolling on about how it would all be ok, it would hold up despite whatever, we'd face it all and fight it all together...
And yet there was still stress. Everything was quite good. It was the strangest sensation of having everything one wanted, being overjoyed over it, and yet... something was still stressful... there was that worry still nagging in the back of my mind - worry about whether things would go smoothly, worry that just because he loved me and I loved him he wouldn't stick around if everyone didn't accept it immediately. Worry... worry...
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I don't believe either of the two scenarios will play out, at least not in exact detail. But it did make me think and convicted me. There's a difference between what we want and what's best for us. God doesn't always not give us what we want. But sometimes it's with a twist for the better. But when we're focused on just what we want we can't always let go enough to see the best that He wants to give us. Not that He can't just knock our plans out of our hands. However, it's generally easier and smoother if we go ahead and relinquish. He'd really rather us just rely on Him. Believe in Him. Not be duped by Satan's counterfeit that sometimes comes right after the revelation to tempt us, like my second dream followed my first.
So that's why...
I'm working on letting go of dream two... giving it over to Him.
And meanwhile just walking down the road of life content with where I am and with what I have. Whether He brings dreams one or two or another I can't even imagine, which is probably what it will be (I LOVE His surprises!), it doesn't matter. He's got this.
I don't believe in me.
I believe in Him.
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