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EEK A MAN!
A Scary Woman Writes a Response
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told I was scary. In high school, I was first handed the verdict. My mentor explained the reason I seemed to go unnoticed by the male population while other girls had a flock was not because I was actually unnoticed, quite the contrary she said. I was just scary. Naturally, this shocked me. It’s ironic that someone 5’3 ½” with blonde hair and bird arms should be terrifying. I weigh next to nothing plus I have a slew of medical labels. My self-defense skills are pretty much limited to holding my keys like a killer, being very aware of my surroundings, and knowing if assaulted a few general moves should be targeted to certain more vulnerable spots. But I have no pretty ribbon in taekwondo nor the build of a ninja warrior. My natural physical frame spells “target” not “look out” on first glance.
But I supposedly am scary. Even terrifying. My mentor said it was because I had high standards and didn't throw myself around, because I held a belief in God and principles higher than good looks. However, it didn't help me feel much better. I was re-diagnosed with that label more frequently once I embraced the radical idea that lasting love is a choice, a stand one takes and commits to. A stand that requires a large dose of trust, respect, and commitment to continue standing through the failures, mud, and “I think I want to change my mind” days. I hear I am scary so often, I got used to it. It still stings though. But hey, life’s rarely kind and seems to have a peculiar love of the ironic.
But let me explain what I was asked to explain in this article, why you too dear brother are intimidating. And why, to one extent or another, you add to our supposed fearsomeness.
Despite the rampant feminism of our day, few of its staunchest supporters find it romantic to pursue a man every step of the way. We want you to start it, or at least finish it after we’ve hinted it into existence. Oh we can hint and hope and pray ‘til we wear holes in our floors. But we don’t want to have to be the one that initiates the “can we be more than friends?” conversation. But what if the guy doesn't? What if he doesn't pick up on the hints or they turn him off? This conundrum is a whole form of potential fear and trauma in and of itself. We know it’s nerve-wracking to approach us sometimes. You pressure yourself to be perfect and perfect this “ask you out business.” As a girl, I appreciate your effort. It takes a big man to step up and ask instead of hiding behind flirty, ambiguous texts. And hey, at least you get to be semi blunt.
Meanwhile, we get to learn the amazingly complicated language of subtleness, hinting, pushing in the right direction undetected, and flirting. There is no manual. Only the dog eat dog world in which to learn. Few girls are ever sat down and told the basics of this exacting science. (Side note: at least a guy can google and get concrete advice on how to ask a girl out.) We’re thrown in and either sink or swim. Articles are written telling us to “show encouragement,” “help initiate the first step,” oh and “don’t stumble him” while we’re at it. But few such well-meant Christian treatises ever tell us the practical “how to communicate clearly in guy without losing your girlness.”
Most of us truly do not set out in life to make guys confused or miserable. Most of us really would like to give and be given a chance. However, thanks to the way things are us girls, and you guys too probably, have met way more “time wasters” to put it politely and “trouble with a capital Ters” to put it not so politely, than not. As a woman, I walk around with my guard up; not super high, more like a healthy cautiousness. Did I mention I’m only 5’3 ½”? Seriously, why would I not be careful?
So I’ve been asked to explain why guys are scary to us. There are two basic issues, one of which y’all may actually share with us. Numero uno, physical. This is probably not something guys share with us girls. Generally speaking, let’s face it, guys are bigger and stronger. That’s the way it is. And while some could go into a deep explanation of how women can do anything men can do and so forth – let’s face the fact that the majority of average women cannot. We are not all queens of karate or Olympic boxing champions. It may seem like something we only have to worry about in dark alleys at midnight. Sadly, it’s not. It’s a little more prevalent than most of us want to admit. Trust me, brothers, this is not some statistic I like facing. Most of us girls don’t believe men are beasts. We want you to all be champions. But I had a close friend that is a Christian girl that ended up abused and manipulated in a “model” Christian relationship. That does not mean I am now afraid of all men. Just more cautious. I would even go so far as to say that most of us are not scared. We do not approach every male we meet ready to bolt. It is not even the first thing that pops into our minds. Nevertheless going on a date with a random guy, be he Christian or not, that we don’t know well doesn’t exactly ensure safety. Because of the fall, safety is something we have to think about.
Second level of scariness- emotional. Believe it or not, it’s fairly easy to become an emotional trampoline. There’s a fine line between friendship and “flirtship.” You know, those things that just kind of exist but neither party talks about it. Then one party moves on but feels no need to tell the other because technically there wasn’t anything. Where do words of encouragement become compliments of encouragement in a different direction? Where does hanging out turn into dating? Where does dancing casually turn into dancing every single one? Where do deep discussions turn into mainly sharing your heart solely with one person? These things are fine. But undefined for too long and then dumped for no reason – that is not fine. While the girl can have the “what are we doing exactly?” conversation, we don’t want to. Nobody wants to. But traditionally speaking it’s the guy’s place to be more forward. And say we throw tradition out the window and start it. What happens? Maybe we lose you because you think we’re forward. Or maybe you just wanted to be friends and we kick ourselves for looking like idiots. And maybe we kick ourselves because maybe, just maybe, we wonder if you really do like us, you just needed more time. I’m not saying these are the correct thoughts to think; I’m simply stating the path thoughts usually go. Objectively speaking, we can all see the ways to avoid this type of drama. Just refuse to be a part of it. However, reality is rarely so disambiguous. Infatuation is a very good player for sweeping you off your feet and making you do anything. Love can be a stubborn blade of grass poking up in the concrete sidewalk. Hope is a bird with feathers that sometimes does ask for something. So every time you show us interest, we have to risk that it could just end with either no purpose or us forced to tackle the topic ourselves. Trust me, there are few things more grimly dismal than sitting down your crush and asking if he likes you. Even worse, is getting the “no” answer and realizing that he flirted with you just because. If he happened to be a good friend in addition… you get my drift… the gauntlet never ceases.
This problem of emotional “scariness” is actually something both genders potentially struggle with. Relationships are scary. In what other situation are you intentionally letting your guard down and being quite so vulnerable? Few other situations call for such upfront honesty, such open admittance of feelings, such a deep level of communication. It could be argued that the success of a relationship hinges on communication – the poorness or richness of it. Relationships are scary. Interaction is scary. Life is scary.
Depending on where your focus is.
Looking down is terrifying. Looking up is exhilarating. Only by gazing on Christ are we capable of understanding love in its highest and deepest definition. He Himself is love (I John 4:8). He is perfect love. Perfect love casts out fear (I John 4:18).Through Him, with Him, in Him, we can experience this perfect love. On our own we’re doomed to fail. It’s a matter of focus. What are we focusing on? Our desire to be married? Our hatred of being alone? Or His will for our lives? When we make our own dreams work simply because we want them to, we’re going to feel uneasy. When we are called to do hard things by the Creator of the Universe, it can be terrifying yet we still are at peace. Because He is in control, not us. Perfect love is beautiful, with Him obtainable despite our fragile mortality. Look up, my brothers and sisters. Look up and take heart.
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